Do you know the book "Wemberly Worried"? My friend gave it to me when I had Lucy. It was a book she said she reads to her kids, and she thought of it when I was chatting with her about all my worries. It's not a great book, but it does kind of put worrying into perspective. It doesn't do anything.
I used to tease my Grandma about being a "worrier." She was always saying that she "worried" about this or that. As a child, I never understood it. As a grown-up, (though I don't feel I fit that description yet), I am TOTALLY getting it. I am hitting a worry wall. A huge, gargantuan worry wall. I know this is a temptation for me, as a natural melancholic and a oh-this-is-the-bad-stuff-that-will-happen temperament, and this is my cue to take it to the Lord. But, I am having a moment, and since this is my blog, I will get it out.
It's not ever going to stop.
I have children, I am "only" 35, and there are a lot of years left in life. I am so worried about these next steps for our children, and how we are going to afford this, or take care of that. But I am seeing a longer road ahead - high school, college, marriage, kids, jobs, etc. Maybe because the oldest grandchild in my family is graduating from High School, and the struggles he has had this year have been so real and tough. I am looking ahead to my kids, and how close they are to high school (oh.my.goodness) and the next steps. I was looking at a family with a brand new baby, and thinking about how the worry (and blessings) increase when your kids grow up and have kids of their own!
Jesus, I TRUST in YOU!
I say that so many times in a day. So many.
I never feel good enough. I don't feel up to the task of taking care of myself, let alone all these beautiful, sweet children. When I freak out, I have to keep reminding myself that these are not my children. They are His. He chose me as his weak instrument to raise them and bring them to Him. I just need to follow His Will. I must find it and follow it, but I also have to make the decisions here. And, if you know me, I am dreadful at decisions. Dreadful, I tell you. But, I can do this. I know I can.
"I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me."
I look at what I have been through, with these last 2 pregnancies, what our family has gone through and done with God's help. I know the path He has for us is amazing, but there are some days that I just need a good cry and refocus my attention on Jesus and the Cross.
This one is up in my kitchen, and I don't remember which saint it is from:
"Lord, teach me to be generous.
Teach me to serve you as you deserve;
to give and not count the cost,
to fight and not heed the wounds,
to toil and not to seek for rest,
to labor and not to ask for reward
save that of knowing that I do your will."
Okay. I'm done. I bawled a bit, snorted, and my eyes are all puffy and done for a while. Thanks for the prayers.