18 weeks. I am
so close to the 20 week sonogram, and getting some peace of mind that all is healthy and the gender. I know I am not a tall person, so this baby has nowhere to go but OUT. Can I admit that I am still a little nervous that belly isn't even halfway?? Oh dear.
I have to pack tissues, napkins, and at least something in my purse to wipe my nose and eyes this pregnancy. I can't do anything about it. This faucet just doesn't want to turn off. Church is the hardest! Every hymn, every little voice that says prayers, each homily, blessing......you get the idea. I have not been able to sing more than one hymn at Mass since I became pregnant. Oh, and don't even get me started on TV shows. You would think cooking shows (you know, watching all that yummy food that I can't eat) or even HGTV would be safe. Nope. Nothing is safe. The kids have stopped asking "Why are you crying, Mommy?" because it just happens so often. Sigh.
It's not just tears, as any pregnant momma can relate to (I hope). There is a vein in my forehead that has been bulging lately, each time I yell at the kids. So fast! I don't even realize it until my head starts to hurt and I am aware that I have been yelling, usually about nothing. My poor family. This fuse is almost non-existent!
On a positive side, I am STILL attending my exercise class twice a week. I am so happy that I still can do it! I have never exercised while pregnant (and was not able to move around nearly as much as I wanted to while pregnant with James) and I keep hoping that it will help with my diabetes numbers and size of me and my belly. (a girl can dream, right?) And I work out with the most amazing ladies. I am so lucky to count all of them as my friends, but to feel so supported and not made fun of with my waddle and crazy belly is just awesome.
When we say our night prayers, we always bless all the members of the family. The person that ALWAYS remembers to add the baby is sweet James. "AND THE BABY!" comes from him faster than anyone else. We are all in the habit of saying it now, but all of us get a big smile on our faces when we look at James. That sweet boy always makes me smile.
And the voice my baby will know well? The voice of William that is always saying "hello, baby!" and giving it a rub. He's just the right height to do that, and some days the baby gets a greeting before I do. Absolutely melts my heart.
So, if you look at #2 and 3, you can probably figure out that Mother's Day was filled with sweet cards, flowers, and lots of screaming and crying. The weekend had been filled with time away from home, and our home REALLY showed it. I let myself get in a funk and could NOT find a way out. We did go out to eat with my family to see my mom, and had brunch with Tommy's mom, so I hope they had a good day. I KNEW I was doing it all wrong. It was like I was watching a really, really bad soap opera and I just couldn't change the channel. Ugh. Not my finest moment. I did make sure to apologize to all the kids, and to hug them all. Wish I had a bad memory about things like that.
I am SO self-conscious right now. I am so nervous approaching people - people I consider my friends. I don't want to call any attention to myself when I am in a group of people. I feel PANIC when I have to pick up the phone and call someone, especially if I am having a really bad day. I feel like I need a pity party if I call anyone in the moments of frustration, and I don't want to do that. I get down some days, when the phone doesn't ring (except my old friend "Unavailable") and I sit at home and think that others should call me. It would be much better if I reached out first, and I am usually happier when I do, but these feelings are kind of taking over. I hate these hormones, these feelings.
It is REALLY tough for me to express these things, and even when I have the best intentions to make it a great day (stupid expression) but I freak out inside. Just gotta keep going. I can do this! One day at a time.
---8---
I can't leave it on that note, so I will add one more. The school had a Race for Education for all the kids. It was my first time going to see the kids run a track for about an hour. I wasn't sure what James would do, so I came armed with chairs and snacks. That boy decided that he wanted to run with his big brother.
He ran at least 6 laps, holding hands and smiling the whole way. William slowed his pace happily and was so sweet with his little brother. I received so many photos of these sweet boys from other parents, as they were both willing to stop and smile for pictures, and had a wonderful time. This mommy was so proud! It gives me so much hope for this new baby. So much love to give. Thank you, Lord!
