My brother Joe told me that I needed to get back into blogging. 
My husband told me I should be blogging.

And they are very right.

I miss coming here, dumping some photos, some news, and even some ramblings of my thoughts get put down.  To be honest, I miss a lot of things this year.  And you, dear reader, can keep reading to see some of my (mostly internal) struggles.

In the summertime, my trainer/friend/caterer decided that she was no longer going to offer exercise classes at her studio anymore.  Her family was moving to a new home, and moving into busier times with her (DELICIOUS) catering business.  She has even asked me to work with her at events and I really enjoy the time (the money AND good food).  But, when she stopped classes, I didn't realize how much I would not be motivated to exercise on my own.  I HATE making decisions.  I hate big gyms, strangers, and I am not confident enough to find a place and set myself in the middle of everyone and not feel super uncomfortable.  I miss my friends.  I have retreated into my self-absorbed shell (or introvert cocoon, take your pick) and I have not come out yet.  It is VERY difficult for me to send a text (and calling is out of the question!) to invite anyone, or even plan something.  And the less I do it, the less I feel the need to keep doing it.  Especially if I get a negative response.  I feel like I am forgotten since I am not seen, and it makes me wonder.  Was I really such a good friend?  Did they really enjoy time with me?  So, you see, I am still here.

We are in the throes of teenagers in the house.  I feel so inadequate to this task.  And in confession, I am very often told that I need to get rid of some of my stress.  Sometimes, they say, I may find that teens can be "delightful."  Well.  Maybe by the next few kids.  (Y'all.  Pray for me)

Y'all know I have to talk about my brother.  His story is not mine to tell, but I do want to put down some of the things that I feel I want to remember. 

Joe and I grew up together. Being just 2 years apart, we had lots of fun growing up, and we homeschooled together for many years.  Some days we never even did any school.  But, Joe has always been the one that I would look up to.  He could charm a room of people at no bigger than 2 feet high.  He would go around the room and find the person who needed that smile, hug, or cheering up and he would make that happen.  Always giving.  And right now, as we see him going through this incredibly awful disease, he is still giving.  Still thinking of others.  And this selfish big sister has no words.  Not the right words to say, not enough hands, not enough hours, and not even an ounce of that joy, that giving to share, with anyone, but most especially with him. 

I'm going to admit that I was not prepared for the amount of leaking that comes from my eyes.  All.the.time.  Like I don't even realize it is happening until my vision gets blurry (Mass is a really big one).  My friend described it as "the gift of tears" but I am not so sure I would call this a gift.  And, since my skin screams at me when I cry too much (vanity, thy name is Fuzzy), it is quite a frustrating gift.  Some days I would like to return it.  Then I think of the beautiful gift that my brother has been given, and I cry more since I see my shortcomings.  Maybe I should just say that if you see me, I won't be offended if you offer me some Kleenex.  I usually need it. 

So I will admit, I have lots to work through in my head, and I am sure this won't be the last post about what is near and dear to my heart: family.    I do apologize that this seems to be a Debbie downer post, but I will add some goodness and some cute kids.  Promise.  Please keep praying for us all!