Saturday, April 26, 2014

Pregnancy Update

This is my day.  4 times a day I get to poke my finger, and watch the countdown with a little pit in my stomach.  6 times a day (sometimes more) I am eating.  Not just anything I would like to eat, but a specific, measured and controlled diet.  Diabetes diet (for those of you who aren't sure what that means, it is low carb).  As of right now, I have to shoot my leg at least once a day with insulin.  At 14 weeks, this is early for my gestational diabetes to start up, but after having it the last 2 pregnancies (as well as many other issues), I knew I would have to deal with it soon.  And, as the nurse told me today, things are going to get worse as it gets later in the pregnancy. (bless her dear little heart, she made me cry and felt dreadful after saying it.  I knew what she meant, but sheesh.) 

It's really hard this time.  Emotionally, it's really tough.  I knew it was going to be something God would challenge me with, but when I think about far away October is, it really gets me down.  I feel so alone, so helpless.  Why does my body react this way?  I feel like it's rebelling, and coming from this control freak rule follower, it drives me bonkers.  Why is it so difficult to find food that I enjoy, and why do I have to think about it all day long?  I have 4 kids. All pulling me in different directions, all needing attention.  I feel so selfish, and yet I can't be, and I am.  Oh, how I am.

I have done more research about GD and I am still so shocked by the results of what could happen if this all goes untreated, or unmonitored. Not really sure how I missed all the doom and gloom the first 2 times, but it has made things way more IN YOUR FACE and REAL. 

I realize compared to many other things mommas face during their pregnancies that this is nothing, and I am just feeling sorry for myself.  I went to confession to a dear priest and poured out all my frustrations and anxiety (crying, humbled, embarrassed).  He looked at me and said, "There is the ugliness of the cross that you can see, that is all you see right now.  And there is the beauty of the cross.  You have to look at your life, at your wonderful children and see all the beauty."  (can you guess what my penance was?)  Wow. and yes, exactly what I needed to hear.

So, well, that is what is going on.  I am doing a bit of melancholic wallowing, and trying to get through one day at a time, and looking forward to finding out whether we will be getting some pink in this house, or I need to start washing my blue.  On the positive side, my nausea is gone!  Thank goodness for small things, right?  I must look at the positive.  And on another note, I get to purchase some new maternity clothes this time around.  Only because when you have #5, your belly "shows" much sooner (no bump shots yet, maybe at 20 weeks), and when you start out fat bigger than you were before, you get new clothes that fit! 

Thanks for all the prayers and patience with my blog.

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