I am going to hit publish, but it doesn't mean you have to read it

Words. They can be so kind, uplifting and good. Yet other times can hurt beyond any imagination. They seem so small and go past so quickly, it amazes me that they carry so much weight. I have been thinking (eh, maybe brooding is more appropriate) about words, conversations, etc. lately, and it has made it difficult for me to talk to people. I do worry often, but I have been in a very selfish place where I am always worried about how and what to say.

I had an experience recently that was very hard, and unfortunately, I have not been able to forget. Someone lashed out in anger at us, and said some things that were very hurtful. I know that what happened was not my fault. I know that this person did not mean the terrible things that were said. I know that I won't see them again, won't have to talk to them again. There were a lot of things said that hurt, and were directed at the things that I know I need to work on. I have forgiven them and I have prayed for them. It doesn't mean I have forgotten. Why is that so hard? Why do things people say hurt so much and stay with us for so long? I know I am sensitive, and things stay with me longer than some other people, but why does it have to be like that? I have been self-conscious ever since that experience. I had a family gathering at my house, and I worried everytime I had to speak to someone, afraid to offend or upset. I was nervous about making a joke, in case it was taken the wrong way. I attributed it to the incident. I hoped that I would be doing better by now, but I am still having a difficult time processing everything, and still a little self-absorbed with my thoughts and emotions. I know I need to get out of this rut and move on. I know. But I have not gotten there yet.

I want to be sure that if I have offended or hurt anyone that they will come to me and accept my apology. It's kind of an informal/insensitive thing to do here on a blog, but as I said, I have been disecting everything said and I never want to offend.

We (especially me) have been sick the last few weeks, and I have had some opportunities to do some praying and searching. I am still trying to see the good that needs to come from this incident. I am thinking God was trying to get me to be a better mother, wife and friend. He was trying to give me a lesson, and I hope I can see it and act upon it. I may not be doing all that I need to do, but I am thinking more, praying more, and trying harder. Yes, those words hurt, but I know that God can show me a positive outcome from such an experience, and show me that I need to turn to Him in these moments. The Beatitudes keep coming to mind while I am praying, so I wanted to put them here for me:

The Beatitudes

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.

Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.

Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God.

Blessed are they who are persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."